| (no subject) |
[Nov. 3rd, 2004|10:47 pm] |
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Need a new job....arg. |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 29th, 2004|12:40 pm] |
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Wow, I'm watching a press conference about the missing bombs in Al qaqa. It's not even like they're trying to hide the fact that they fucked up, they're just saying ...."I don't know shit. Sorry, but I did get a sattelite picture of something a few weeks before. Not sure if it's the same place, but here's a picture. Go USA!" |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 28th, 2004|10:16 am] |
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Watched the Redsox win the World Series last night. |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 27th, 2004|10:07 pm] |
When I lost my confidence I had no idea I could actually find it again. It's .... kinda....I don't know...it feels kinda loose. I'm gonna have to grow into it again.
It's almost as if I had a snapshot of something and I snapped out of it for a minute. And then it starts to feed on itself.
dvl. |
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| This entry has been spell checked. Although I left a few mispelled for emphasis. |
[Oct. 22nd, 2004|05:35 pm] |
There's no such thing as a second chance. You can only hope to do things so close to perfectly the first time that you don't screw up too badly all at once.
Everyone has at least one moment in life where they realize or more accurately 'think', it's make or break time. I know a lot of people who spend their days trying to minimize these moments. Everything they do is a safeguard against a real decision.
Remember when you were younger and your class would have career day? Try to remember the parents that came in. Most lineups would have someone from the outskirts of the city, someone from deep downtown, and 25 middle managers from cherry hill lane. They lawyer sat with contempt for the lazy garbage man(no ambition). People let their dreams die. Not because they want to, but because they have to. There's nothing wrong with wanting things.
In that fifth grade class you set out on a war path. "I want to be a doctor..lawyer..garbageman...fireman..." These jobs are just lookout post jobs, waiting for someone to fuck up.
When you fuck up you have to go see one of these people
...Didn't work out/quit smoking/move from next to the powerplant?
- Go to the doctor.
...Didn't pay your bills/drive safe enough/remember to write a full disclaimer on your team building trip's waiver?
- Go to a lawyer
...Didn't replace the battery in your smoke detector/forget to turn off the stove?
- Go to the fireman
...Didn't buy recyclable/make potted plants out of your used milk containers?
- Go to the garbageman.
I can see the lawyer now. In that tiny little chair with his hair slicked back. He wasn't thinking about his kid. He was trying to figure out a grounds for litigation against the fire department for not saving enough property in their latest housefire. The fireman was trying to figure out how someone could live in the filth he saw at that fire. The garbageman was looking for a new job because the county just privatized the industry and mexicans were going to take his job. The middle manager's house caught fire. He lost everything he's worked so hard for. The CEO of his company has a private jet. If it catches fire, he'll write it off and buy a bigger one.
Don't fuck up.
I don't know much of anything. I know there's no such thing as a second chance. The whole concept doesn't make sense. Nothing is ever the same twice. A second chance is a second try, a second time, but nothing is the same as the last time. You failed last time? Get over it, remember it, try again? Only if you really care. People want their second chance because they view that point in time as a make or break point.
If there's no second chance they have to make a real decision on what to do with themself. I'm in the business of shaping things. I tell you what you want to hear in such a way that you think it's something you didn't know.
...Work sucks...no second chances(don't fuck up)...time is valuable...people don't care about you...
You know al these things are true, but hearing someone take the time to write them down give you home that someone out there is fighting for what you believe in. Most likely someone is...freedom...liberty...stress free shopping.
It's all being fought for. So relax, it's being taken care of.
On Wednesday morning I went to school. I don't believe in the American Dream. It doesn't make sense to me.
School is an artificial piece of the dream. It's not a place to learn anymore. All school does is take down one more barrier in the make or break point. I decided Wednesday morning to break it. Break it down and then leave the pieces there and find something else. Who will the "we" be to replace "me" in the fight to get it right?
A girlfriend? No. A best friend? No. A similar mind with the goal of breaking the same stuff? No. The system is there for a reason. Only a select few care enough about life that they want to do something interesting with it. Most require love and piece of mind. Few require reality. In reality there's not such thing as a supermarket. In reality there's not such thing as a job. In reality there's no such thing as happy or sad. You can't excel in reality. You can't live it up or lose it all. You can only live and understand yourself.
Delirious ramblings?
Don't decide...it's way too hard.
Miracles happen exactly the way you hoped they would. Things you plan do not. Every person is a unique snowflake, yet so many people strive to be melted into the same puddle.
I've always been successful at the game. I've never been successful at understanding why. Do I have something other people don't? Sure. It that something tangible? No. Does that make it a real difference between me and them? No. It's only as real as the forum in which it takes place.
For example. Let's say I win valedictorian at my school(I didn't). There are thousands of other valedictorians. Put us all in the same room. Ten thousand valedictorians. Who's the smartest? Who's the dullest? Who is going to be the richest? Poorest? Fastest? Slowest? Fattest? Most pregnant? Most liked? Most married? Softest? Dead?
Remember reality. When you lose your mind it's the first thing to go. You can't figure it all out, but don't let that stop you from trying. There's no second chance at finding reality. It's the only thing you can do.
Don't fuck up. Reality is a tough pill to blow. But if someone breaks it up into little pieces for you, it'll go down easier.
Find a hobby.
Thursday. The first day of my new world. My parents were lucky. They always said they'd worked hard so that I could have the option of doing whatever I wanted. That was a deathwish.
If you want to tear down a person's spirit, convince them they're good at anything they do and then ask them to choose one thing to do for the rest of their life.
In that fifth grade class I was taken out once a week to go to a program called DELTA. It was for 'gifted' kids who 'got it'. Everyday my teacher would read to the class. She was reading 'The Phantom Tollbooth' Once a week I would miss part of the story because I had to go to DELTA. So one week I decided not to go. I decided to hear the part of the story I normally would have missed.
My parents were livid. My teacher was livid. My future was at stake and I didn't care. In fifth grade I was taught to never fuck up. Had I gone to DELTA that day, I would have made a diorama of the U.S. Presidents. By not going I got to hear the part of the story I wanted to hear.
Those presidents are dead. And not a god damned one of them became president by making a diorama in fifth grade. They may have made dioramas whence they became president, but even then it was probably only to explain to cabinet members that couldn't read the value of freeing the slaves to get the republican vote.
Martin Luther King had a dream. People found it inspiring to listen to his dream. Why? Because they didn't dream anymore. They gave up. They entered the real world and started a real life. Martin Luther King wasn't a real person. Neither was Lincoln or Kennedy or Monroe(Marylin). Lincoln freed the slaves, Monroe was sexy. Lincoln died of a lead overdose in the brain, Monroe died of a drug overdose. Lincoln took his own life. John Wilkes Boothe just finished the job. All the great men that are killed by assassins are killed by their choices, not a gun. Shake up someone's world and you're signing your death warrant. Tell people what they wanted to hear in a new way and you're a star. Whenever you find yourself saying 'I agree', be careful. If you're agreeing with a dreamer, you may be signing your death certificate.
History doesn't remember the nice days of the sea. It remembers the devastating floods(and the occasional drought).
A great leader is nothing more than a spokesman for people who feel they don't have a voice. Progress is a misnomer for social change. All progress is simply a change that is in response to the status quo by people that dream of something different. Revolutions are simply society hitting its own make or break point. The people of the world go along with something for long enough, preparing themselves for a life of minimum real decisions until it becomes uniform enough for a leader to emerge from the counterview.
Show me a leader and I'll show you a natural miracle. Show me a failed system and I'll show you a plan. You can't plan emotions. You can't plan life. You can't plan dinner. But you can plan miracles.
Miracle workers show people what they already believe and wanted to see. A magician shows people things they want to see, but don't expect. A deadman shows people things the don't want to believe, don't want to see and never expected to.
Many people spend their lives searching for a cause to give life meaning. They do soul searching. You can't search for your soul. And plans fail. There's no such thing as a second chance and you can't be happy as a result of love.
Plans for love kill your soul, which has no meaning anyway.
What can you learn from the older generations?
-How to live a happy life?
-How to make the right decisions?
No. You can only learn from them how they fucked up. The only problem with taking strides to learn from that past is that it opens up a whole new list of problems to deal with. If you don't fuck up like your parents did, then you'll fuck up further down the road. But there are no second chances, nothing is the same twice.
We wish things were the same every time.
Fucking up is not a problem in and of itself. Fucking up in the context of life where the goal is to "not fuck up" is a problem though. What's the point of the "don't fuck up" system? To make miracle workers out of people who plan every minute of their lives.
You don't remember the good times, only the bad.
There's a reason you can't remember the good time in life as easily as the bad time. It's because the point of life is to not fuck up. So when you do, you must remember it. If you ever get a second chance, you do'nt want to mess it up again. That's what so disturbing. That people can create an entire life on bad memories and then claim to be happy. You can't be happy by avoiding the bad, and you can't be happy by remembering only the good.
I saw a kid wearing the same shoes as me today. I had to wonder if we had some though process in common. If we were able to make our own shoes they would have been different. Or would they? How many of the choices we make are actually choices? How many are just an attempt to minimize making real decisions. Real decisions, real choices. It's sounds like the intro to an ethics class, but it's not. It's an intro to my thought process. It's an intro to my real life, and an end to it too.
I want to make things for people. I want to be the reason people give up and start dreaming. I want to be shot in a theater while watching people revel in what they already knew.
Are there similar thought processes that go through people's minds when they die? Or more accurately when their magic is revealed and they have no more to live for? I think it goes something like this...
"I'm done. They don't need me anymore. They need to lose me so they can finally respond to my shoes. They all wear the same shoes as me now and they're just realizing it."
If you walk around barefoot no one will agree with you.
Music is a reason for people to dance. It's as much an expression of someone's soul as a finger painting of a fifth grader's family.
The picture becomes significantly more interesting if the dog is murdered or the singer cries. Millions of kids could draw pictures of themselves in front of a house with their family. Only a few refuse to draw it because they want to do something else instead.
Friday came and I had nothing left. I felt scared and alone in a world of go-getters. I imagine most people that figure it all out reach a moment in time where they break out of the system. I imagine they're just as lonely as me. It's scary to say to everyone you love, "I don't want to do what you do."
They feel like they can do nothing for you anymore. Your parents raise you, helping you every step of the way to not make the same mistakes they did. So when I decide that I don't want to live in their world, they feel like they can't do anything for me anymore. And it hurts.
No one wants to be helpless. No one wants to be meaningless. No one dreams.
Do I want to be rich? Yeah.
Do I want to be happy? Yeah.
Do I know how to do it? No.
Can I get there by not making mistakes? No.
Should I have faith in the future? Only if I believe in a higher purpose.
Is there a higher purpose? No.
How do I know this? Because I can fuck up if I want to.
No one cares about learning. We only care about training. Discovery is the reaction to the scientific now. People that understand their surroundings enough to search for the opposite of everything that is understood are the ones who make discoveries. Doing the footwork of science is no more complicated than working in a factory. Developing the plan for the experiment or car is no more complicated than drawing a picture of your family with crayons. Giving people a reason to believe in their work is truly magic.
No one cares about this because they don't have time to. |
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| If that's the case? I need a new job. |
[Oct. 1st, 2004|09:10 pm] |
My check wasn't at work today. What a crappy feeling that is. I showed up and there was no check for me. Where's my check? It should be here, where I pick it up on friday. So what you're telling me is there's no check? Oh I get it, you didn't bring the check for me. That's just awesome. I don't need the money, in fact I didn't even want it. You know why?
Because I work my ass off in a shit job for that tiny little bit of money every week.
That's why I don't want it you fucking asshole. |
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| Wow |
[Sep. 29th, 2004|08:56 am] |
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show cancelled last night :-( |
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| currently? |
[Sep. 27th, 2004|11:55 pm] |
I just walked in the door and ate some of the dinner on the table and said "The pork is great mom". She said "It's turkey", and so I said "the other white meat"....
and she said "yup" |
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| Military State |
[Aug. 16th, 2004|12:38 am] |
http://www.reuters.co.uk/newsPackageArticle.jhtml?type=worldNews&storyID=565643§ion=news
Rumsfeld says troop shift to take years
Mon 16 August, 2004 04:01
By Tabassum Zakaria
WASHINGTON (Reuters) - U.S. Defence Secretary Donald Rumsfeld has said a proposed major realignment of U.S. troops stationed overseas will take several years and very likely lead to more forces stationed in the United States with greater flexibility to meet post-Cold War challenges.
Specific plans with various countries will be announced when finalised over the next few years, "so there is not going to be a big announcement of everything and then there certainly won't be a big movement of everything," he told reporters travelling with him on Sunday as he returned from a weeklong trip to Europe and Asia.
Rumsfeld would not say how many troops would be affected by the restructuring, but U.S. officials in Washington on Saturday said President George W. Bush was expected to announce on Monday the withdrawal of about 70,000 U.S. troops from Europe and Asia in a realignment of military forces prompted by challenges including the war on terrorism.
"The principal characteristics of all of them taken together are that we want greater usability of our forces, that we very likely will end up with more forces back in the United States, that we will be looking for flexibility and relationships so that we can rotate forces in, and have exercises with various countries," Rumsfeld said.
"I think the president's announcement is prospective. It will suggest that there is a great deal of negotiation and talks still to proceed, and there should be," Senate Foreign Relations Committee Chairman Richard Lugar, an Indiana Republican, said on "Fox News Sunday."
Rumsfeld said he discussed the U.S. global force posture at his last stop in Russia with Defence Minister Sergei Ivanov and said he did not believe it would be problematic for Russia, which is sensitive to activities north of its border.
"We have no plans to do anything up in that area, and in fact we'll be reducing some forces in the northern part of Europe," Rumsfeld said.
The U.S. troop shift "would go not towards the Baltics, it would go south to the United States and elsewhere," he said. "I don't see any issue there at all."
There are more than 100,000 U.S. troops in Europe, including about 70,000 in Germany, and another 100,000 in the Pacific and Asia. Some 150,000 troops are stationed in Iraq and Afghanistan.
"There will be a shift from Germany, and we've talked to the Germans about that and some numbers, they are doing the same thing, they're also readjusting their forces, and they understand that," Rumsfeld said.
"We want our forces where they are wanted, we want our forces where we have the right kinds of legal arrangements," he added.
The decisions would be announced as they are finalised "over four, five, six years," Rumsfeld said.
The United States will continue to have permanent military bases in Germany, but has no plans for similar arrangements in the former Soviet republics, Rumsfeld said.
Rather than permanent bases, there might be locations that provide "alternative landing sites for aircraft in difficulty, we have some of those in the former Soviet republics, they might be a covert operating location where you rotate people in and out, or where you use it for air refuelling," he said.
"It gives you flexibility to do a lot more, and so those things are not offensive to people."
The U.S. military said earlier this year it was removing about 12,500 of the 37,000 troops stationed in South Korea for decades and sending many of them to Iraq or Afghanistan.
Pentagon officials have been studying U.S. commitments overseas for more than two years in an initiative to rearrange global deployments of U.S. forces adopted in the Cold War and make the American military more mobile in the new war on terrorism.
....
p.s. It's not you, it's me.....really. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 19th, 2004|05:03 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  accomplished | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Emery//Fractions | ] |
Becky's the bomb.
And... She did may layout.
(becky's writing this)
exoh |
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| Fucking Finally |
[Jun. 28th, 2004|04:28 am] |
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I'm leaving Rochester for good this week. Fucking finally. |
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| Soo |
[Jun. 23rd, 2004|05:16 pm] |
Just seeing who reads my journal and what you'd like to know.
Ask me any question you want and I'll answer it. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 9th, 2004|02:32 am] |
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I did some standup at comix cafe tonight. It went really well and I had a great time. Here's to tomorrow night and next week. |
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| THE EP IS DONE!!!! |
[May. 28th, 2004|10:53 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  excited | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Ten Dead Kids - Can't Hear You Now | ] |
Ten Dead Kids - Pop Sensibility
Our EP is done.....if you want a copy let me know :-) |
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| The first step. |
[May. 28th, 2004|03:43 pm] |
| [ | music |
| | Ten Dead Kids - Infernal Backpack (of Love) | ] |
So I'm gonna take a stab at standup and writing. Happy days are here again. |
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| show |
[May. 10th, 2004|05:06 pm] |
Saturday Night
9PM
[edit edit edit edit edit]NOT The Ritz....but in THE FIRESIDE LOUNGE!!!
STANDUP SHOW..... Check it out. |
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